(A Piece of) Who I Am in Myself

I do not think that I have or could get an accurate image of who I am in myself. At least not in these moments. It is not that I do not know what that would look like. The difficulty comes in trying to capture its dynamic tendency. I imagine this is true for most people. But the one aspect I will try to show regards the quote "Whoever is calm and sensible is insane." This quote makes a lot of sense to me. We are all live in this crazy world that is unpredictable. In order to live here without losing one's mind (in a bad way), a person must choose to match the challenge (in a good way). It is a matter of willingly changing or forcibly changing.

The image I chose is not of me. It is of Jacob Bannon of the band Converge. The reason I chose this picture to express a part of who I am in myself is because it depicts Bannon in the chaos of his music just as I am often in the embrace of my life's chaos. He is hunched over, screaming his emotions with all his might. His voice and energy are his true expression. In a way, this is how I see myself sometimes. There is no rhyme or reason in the story being told in life. In this, I willingly embrace chaos. Where I go and what I do are unknown things, even to me. To an extent, it must be like this. Bannon's music is is chaotic and abrasive. In my eyes, it is a form of true expression and being. It is beautiful. Not perfect. But just the way it is suppose to be.

Landscape

My landscape is simple. It is of the brush clearing. It is of my perspective. I am coming out of the woods. I had been lost, but now I see my destination. It is the world beyond. I need to go beyond. There is earth and there is sky. But intrinsic to it is a transcendence. It is nature. It is beyond.

Mask

My mask is like a war mask. It is covered with battle scars. It is rough and ready for battle. It is simple. And it is red. I made this mask to represent my attitude in life. I know challenges are coming, so I prepare myself for what will come. I need to be ready, or else I will be overcome.

The picture is of my waiting in a room. Waiting and waiting. So much that I have to close my eyes. School has always felt like a waiting room to me. Much application but not enough experience. I have never truly been in the "real" world. Yet I have my war mask on. I am ready for a battle. But while waiting in this room it never comes.

(Alternatively: it could be a mexican wrestling mask that I subconsciously made).

Film

Our film was long and slow. We took after Tarkovsky. It was a winding portrait of masked beings living communally and unconsciously. Everyone is ignorant and everyone is satisfied. They live with their masks and though they see themselves in the mirror they won't change. The girl in the red dress is different however. When we find her, she is in the basement staring deeply. She realizes who she is apart from the mask and so she abandons it and runs for her life. She escapes out the front door and never looks back. Everyone else is perplexed for a moment, but the their docile acceptance returns.

Repressions are found in the passiveness of those wearing the mask. They won't give it up. Ideologies are found in the tasks the figures take up. They behave as they are expected to behave. I do not think that there were cultural tensions. And as for prophecy, the girl in red running out is a striking image of what they could all accomplish.

(link will be up in a bit)